


Dawn

by LNJames



Series: Suddenly Everything Has Changed [11]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 02:36:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17479610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LNJames/pseuds/LNJames
Summary: So much held in a heart in a lifetime.Season 4/3 re-imagined. Canonish, with liberties and justice for all.





	Dawn

_I cannot explain it any other way._

There are moments, small ones usually, tucked in the middle of a story that illuminate. These moments shine and they glow but only in retrospect. Consider them star-like, casting light far into the future after their moment has passed. You know them by what they once were. And maybe the space between the beginning and the end has luminous substance, invisible mass, uncalculated weight. All that we perceive and all that we can’t is spun together in some mysterious way, knitting each quark and lepton and boson into something whole and connected. This is elemental. This is science. But the act of knowing, of sensing, of feeling the luminous invisible weight of being - that is transcendent. That is magic. And that is the story and there isn’t an end or a beginning to it. The trick is to become. The trick is to inhabit. The trick is to exist in all moments of the story at once.

Kara Zor-El spent enough timeless time in the Phantom Zone to think every thought she could, but when that wasn’t enough, she dreamed about feeling. She imagined being alive. She craved how everything inside her body sparked into something real, something that became more than what it had been before.

Now, as dawn came, Kara rolled over and wondered how long this could last, how good it could be when the world around her shifted. Spending the night with Lena Luthor felt like breathing again. It was indulgent and amazing and everything she needed. Could she blame herself for what she wanted? She could and would, of course, but sometimes, she was weak enough to be selfish. If she were going to blame herself, she may as well admit that when Lena came to her apartment, late at night with the weight of something on her mind, Kara should have been stronger. They had agreed to rules, to boundaries, to being friends after all that that they had been through. Kara should have known how hard that would be for her and been better, the bigger person, the one who wouldn’t break. But there was something missing inside her and she wasn’t sure what it was, just that Lena still fit like a key in a lock and Kara didn’t have it in her right now to say no.

Life was like that, two steps forward, one step back. Dr M had tried to tell her that, in a different way, to help her prepare for the good and the bad and in between. K _ara, you get to be happy and you get to be sad, you’ve earned that just like anyone else. The choice is whether to believe it, the choice is yours and yours alone. And sometimes believing in something is the harder road to walk. Forgive yourself if you stumble, Kara. Forgive yourself._ She wondered what she would say to Dr M now, after she had stopped going to see her, after Alex reluctantly agreed that the DEO wouldn’t force her to keep going if she didn’t want. And she was better now, wasn't she?

After everything, Kara tried not to think about the steps back more than those ahead. But the smooth soft surface of Lena’s back offered itself as a reminder of the sharper moments between them the last few months, now dulled in the soft pinks of dawn, the gentle saffron fingers of the sun, the tender golds of a new morning just beginning.

***

_Interrogations were never intended to be pleasant affairs and Kara hated the need behind them and the way they made her feel. But they became a part of her life when Supergirl became a part of the DEO and the line between love and war was blurred. Alex was a master at them, if at times her sister unleashed unorthodox methods and pushed things too far. Kara and J’onn both served to temper the way humans could dehumanize others with brutality or brutal honesty and biting words. Alex had learned to moderate a bit more and control her anger for the most part. Kara had always tried for a more restrained approach, reason and compassion and the hope that someone would see things her way. The work ahead -- saving lives -- was such that threats were elevated, urgency was felt, and the political became personal. Supergirl as an asset to the DEO meant that Kara and Alex and J’onn had to navigate how to handle dangers to an invaluable asset. It felt personal because it was personal._

_As Kara walked towards the balcony after a DEO interrogation of Lena Luthor, she felt none of the joy in seeing a woman who was closer than any to Kara. The threat was real and it had the face of someone she loved. She took a breath and tried not to let her ears listen to words softly spoken by a woman in green, her back to the DEO command station. If she weren’t so shaken, Kara would have stopped herself. But everything mattered now and Lena’s words on the phone to someone could tell her things Lena wouldn’t._

_“I was working to rid Sam of Reign, to free her...the last of Lex’s Kryptonite. And don’t worry, Supergirl knows about that too.”_

_Kara inhaled a breath as her own mouth turn to a grimace, the comings and goings of agents around her inside of the DEO’s glass walls were forgotten background to what Lena was saying and what it all meant. She felt her body moving towards Lena even when all she wanted to do was forget everything and erase time._

_“..because I gambled everything...my reputation, Supergirl’s trust in me..on fixing Sam. And I failed.”_

_“Lena.”_

_She called out as she slowly walked up the stairs to the DEO balcony. National City was a backdrop and Lena Luthor was the antagonist in this story and there was nothing Kara could do but react. Lena turned and walked towards her, her face now becoming a mask again and her emerald dress holding a body walling itself off. Kara couldn’t think about anything except the color of Kryptonite and the way it felt when it seared through her skin and tore through her body, sharp razor nails slicing her from the inside out. Anger and disappointment stiffened her own back and the cape around her shoulders weighed Kara down. If the fate of the world didn’t rest on her shoulders, she would care less about what could harm or kill her. When you come from a dying planet, your own death seems inevitable and acceptable, but when you are a superhero in a world that hasn’t died yet and is fighting to stay alive, your continued existence is more important than feelings._

_“I’ve had your back so many times...when the rest of the world was ready to pass you off as the new Lex Luthor.”_

_She was exasperated and angry and the words between them became even more personal, slicing open what had become cracked. Lena breathed out, resigned to this fight._

_“My friend came to me. She was alone and afraid, I had to do something.”_

_Kara narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms, shifting the energy between them into something distant and separate. She appreciated the end goal, hated the means. In the back of her mind, she felt the piercing pinpricks of pain cracking through her body that had been impervious for as long as she could remember._

_“I need you to level with me. Do you have any more Kryptonite?”_

_Lena shook her head._

_“No, it’s all gone. I used the last of it to keep Sam sedate.”_

_And then she felt herself fall, slipping into the darkness until her mind went black and she saw another world, one in which the sun vanished and the ground ate up everything until it was nothing. Kara could have been gone for a few seconds or a few months or a lifetime, it was hard to tell until she gasped and woke up again. She was in National City. She was in the DEO. She was with Alex and Lena.  
_

_“That eclipse is like someone grabbed on the moon and pulled.”_

_Lena was standing over Alex’s shoulder as her sister helped her up and she shook her head. Kara tried to make sense of what was happening, putting the pieces together as they started walking down the stairs and Lena continued._

_“The earth and the moon turn on an axis and no amount of technology can change that.”_

_Lena had slipped back into a role, distant, objective, and removed. For a moment, Kara wondered what had happened when she was on the ground, unconscious. Did Lena hold her hand? Did she worry or run to get Alex? Or was what they were to each other impersonal now, colleagues instead of lovers, had it come to that? Kara pushed the thought down as she led the way, her shoulders falling back into place and she was a superhero again. The only problem with that was a superhero needed the sun and she had forgotten what it felt like to be without it._

_“That’s because this isn’t technology.”_

_Alex interrupted._

_“You should be in the med bay..”_

_She held up her hand and cut her off. There was no time to be weak, no time to argue because she knew what she was facing now._

_“I’m fine. This is older than science.”_

_Lena’s voice sounded like someone else, someone who hadn’t whispered other words into her own ear. What had they lost? What were they losing?_

_“Please don’t say magic.”_

_Kara looked back at her and sighed, knowing this was the start of something that none of them would come out of on the other side unscathed. In her bones, she knew that she would have to put aside her feelings, put aside what she and Lena had created, and instead focus on her job. She couldn’t have everything, not now, not when the world was in danger and there would be casualties all along the way. What they were facing now was something that threatened everything and there was no time for matters of the heart. It was time to be stronger, to be brave, to be an alien who didn’t want or need because such things were weaknesses to be exploited by what they faced._

_“Dark magic.”_

***

So much time had passed from then to now, so many things had happened. Two steps forward, one step back.

“You’re awake.”

Kara blinked at Lena’s soft words, the bare back she had been staring at now transformed and turned until dark hair and green eyes were looking back at her. Leave it to her body to betray her, the warmth of Kara’s eyes having woken up a sleeping woman. She wasn’t sure how this would go, how their inability to keep their hands from reaching for each other despite their vows of friendship would make them feel after the fact.

“I am.”

Kara’s voice was soft and she did her best to figure out what to do with her hands now.

“Kara, I’m sorry...I shouldn’t have..come here last night.”

Lena was now on her back, pulling the covers of Kara’s sheets up around her and sighing as she looked at the ceiling. How easy it was to invite Lena in and offer her something warm to drink. Any friend would do the same. But Kara was half to blame, if not fully, for how they found themselves now.

*

_Kara pulled Lena into her apartment, feeling the concern etching creases across her own brow. She had been mindlessly skipping channels, trying to find something, anything to distract her from the rising anti-alien sentiment bubbling up again. In the year of Reign and the Worldkillers, Kara had forgotten how the citizens of National City still harbored hate, how Cadmus might be sowing the seeds underground, how rallies and dark websites stoked the flames. J’onn had reminded her that she could pass as a human more than others could and it made her realize the blinders she had on. Something was shifting in the air again, unease and fear was making its way back into the world and this time, it wasn’t from ancient Kryptonians and dark magic, it was from good old-fashioned human hate. Something was coming, Kara could feel that, and so she had come home from a long day at CatCo and the DEO and tried to distract herself._

_What she heard first was familiar, at the edges of her awareness and she let her ears tune out the sound of cooking channels and reality shows and the news until she could focus. It didn’t take long until she realized the sound and listened to each beat move closer and with it, the clicking of heels until it stopped just outside of her door. She glanced down at her phone, no texts, no missed calls, and 10:30 was just late enough to make it past the point of friendly visits. There was only one person it could be and Kara stood, waiting for a knock on the door that didn’t come until she couldn’t stand it any longer._

_When she had opened the door, she saw Lena there, leaning against the wall with her hand over her eyes and taking a deep breath. Her body moved on instinct, reaching out, saying a name, letting her hand wrap around a delicate wrist and she should have known then and there that this would be hard._

_“I have something to tell you..”_

_Lena’s voice had been concerned enough that Kara brought them into the apartment, watching Lena stand awkwardly in her black coat, holding her purse and peering into the dimly lit apartment aglow with the muted TV light. When Kara had texted Lena the same thing a few weeks ago, it had been about Cadmus and her suspicion that Lillian was on the move again, putting them all in danger. They hadn’t had much time to talk or catch up, Lena having left for Metropolis to oversee Sam’s transition at L-Corp Northeast and spend time there tending to business. Texting didn’t seem like the right way to accuse someone’s mother of ill intent so Kara had held on to her suspicions. The time away from each other, from CatCo and putting their lives back together after the terra-forming and terror of the Worldkillers felt longer than it was. Seeing Lena back in the office a few days ago made Kara’s heart leap a little, feeling like things were getting back to normal at work. They did their best impression of the friends they promised each other they would be a month ago in Noonan’s. After everything, it felt like something._

_Now Lena stood looking at her, quiet in the way she could get when she wasn’t running two companies and commanding a room. Lena’s shoulders always loosened at Kara’s, her body relaxed and let go of who she was to the outside world and both she and Kara could be other people when they were alone. They were havens for each others and that remained true, now that they were back to being friends, back to something familiar instead of the distance of the last few months._

_“What is it? What’s wrong, Lena? Did you hear from your mother?”_

_Lena looked at her with a small smile and shook her head._

_“No, nothing. I’ve been watching the news and while I think these..protests feel a lot like the work of Cadmus, there’s something different about it this time. You know?”_

_Kara nodded as she leaned back against the tall kitchen table, sweeping her hand to a seat at it to invite Lena in further. She watched as the other woman took in a deep breath and dropped her purse on the small bench by the door before she walked further into the apartment. Lena was still dressed in work clothes, black slacks, black heels, and a grey silk button-up blouse. Her hair was loose and down and she looked tired but alert._

_“I was thinking about going to see her.”_

_Kara nodded and stayed quiet. She knew that seeing Lillian meant Lena would have to confront her mother in prison again and there were old scars between them. Families were complicated and the Luthors embodied that more than most. Kara watched as Lena came close, the silk of her sleeve brushing against Kara’s arm and the soft scent of jasmine filling her head. She did her best not to react, slipping her hands into the pockets of her jeans and turning as Lena bypassed the stools and went further into the Kara’s living room, settling on the couch. Kara could only follow, stopping briefly to turn on a low lamp near the couch and turn off the incessant screen of the TV. She carefully sat at the other end of the couch, Lena’s eyes following her._

_“I’m sorry..I just..”_

_Lena’s soft words hesitated and Kara watched her look down at her hands before smiling back at her. Kara tried to keep her eyes from betraying her while Lena's voice continued, quiet.  
_

_“I wondered how you were..if everything was okay? How you’re feeling..”_

_Kara watched her lips and wondered how she ever thought they could just be friends after knowing what those lips could do and say. It sparked something in her, something alive and buried and separate. How she felt was one thing, what she wanted was another. Kara swallowed and let her fingers run along the bottom of her soft cardigan. Lena had asked a loaded question and she had asked it for a reason because Lena Luthor usually had a reason for everything._

_“I, um..I feel..like..”_

_She paused because she had been spent the last few months trying to feel nothing at all in order to save the world. Kara had pushed some feelings aside until fear and anger took their place and she was left with a void, like she had a phantom limb but the limb was her heart. She remembered once, months ago, when Colville had said that she was lost and at the time, she wondered if he was right. Now, after everything, she knew better. The only problem was she felt the missing more now than ever and she couldn’t blame it on losing her family completely because she had found Argo City and her mother and the promise of a part of her lost world remaining. So after Reign, Kara was left feeling incomplete. With Lena staring at her intently, it made a little more sense why._

_“..like I’m missing...you.”_

_Admitting the truth was half the battle, the rest of the war was lost when Lena looked at her like she did now. This was the power of a Luthor, dark and soft and tempting, giving her permission to feel and to want and to take. It made her feel alive and it made her want what she was missing at a cellular level. Kara wished she were stronger, wished her hands didn’t reach for what she wanted, wished her body didn’t give her away, soft golden light seeping out between her ribs like a beacon. Lena saw everything and her green eyes softened and her mouth parted and Kara let herself have what was offered._

*

Kara shook her head now, clearing her voice from the gravel of a night spent speaking Kryptonian words into the softest parts of Lena’s skin. Urgency had been replaced by reverence and her hands had both broken through plaster in the walls and gently reacquainted themselves with all the curves and dips and valleys Lena’s body offered. There was blame enough to go around for the both of them because Lena Luthor had not been innocent, her own mouth had demanded things and her own hands had pulled and pushed against strong muscles and lean curves. They both had missed the way they knew each other, in intimate detail, and how they could coax the gentle and the rough from the other.

“Don’t be sorry, I’m glad you’re here...and I’m the one who should apologize to you. We agreed to..boundaries..and I..”

Kara watched as Lena turned her head to the side and looked at her, the soft morning light making it difficult to keep from wanting more of a disheveled CEO and lips that had begged for her quietly in the middle of the night when Kara could not even think of the word no. Lena reached out and Kara felt fingertips run along her brow and down her temple, threading through her hair and she closed her eyes. The magic of Lena was in her touch and how it could do things to Kara that no others could.

“Kara…it’s okay..we both..wanted this.”

She kept her eyes closed and let Lena keep running her hand through her hair. Kara felt the heat of Lena’s body next to hers and felt the way her skin tingled and sparked in response, the side effects of being in love even if they weren’t supposed to be lovers and even if she couldn’t help it because her body sometimes wasn’t her own, it was the sun’s. And everything would be alright if she didn’t feel like maybe something wasn’t off. Lena’s hand slipped down along her neck and over her shoulder, dipping below before it rested against her chest, bare and warm to the touch. Kara could hear her own heart beating now, thumping gently against Lena’s palm, beating in time to Lena’s. _One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Three Mississippi_. And that’s when she heard it. On the downbeat, in the space between, she heard her own heart beat separately, distinctly, and completely not in her own body. There were two of her.

_There were two of her._


End file.
